Here I Go Again Thinking…

I’m not sure if it’s an age thing or if it’s just me and my high functioning psychosis. I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately.

I don’t know if it’s healthy but, I’ve come to some conclusions. Let me first say that if you are a sensitive type or think I’m talking about you (which would mean you may need help with your paranoia), I suggest skipping this entry. If you care to take a ride through my logic (which is probably an oxymoron), make sure you tighten your seat belt.

I’ll go back a bit and start with the time surrounding the death of my father. Even though he was sickly and had continuing health problems (back, heart, lungs) he always seemed to bounce back. I took that for granted.

Two days before he passed away, he was having some serious chest pains and decided to go to the hospital. I met my family at my parent’s house, helped load him into their mini-van so he could go to the hospital. Away we went to South Buffalo Mercy.

We arrived and as usual the emergency room was packed and Dad was on a gurney awaiting a room. My mother and my brother were somewhere else, maybe outside smoking, making some phone calls or making some arrangements for whatever… handling their business whatever it may have been.

I was sitting there when my father grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye, “I need you to do me a favor”, he said.

“Anything Dad”, I replied.

“I’m tired, I hurt all the time and I’ve had enough” he started.

“Dad…”

“Just listen to me!”

“Ok.”

“The coffee table needs a nail in the leg to hold it together, but you need to be careful when you put it in.”

I shook my head in agreement and he continued with a list of things he needed done. I don’t think I ever got any of those things done, but I knew he felt better getting the list off his chest. Transfer of burden so to speak.

“Dad, you’ll be home to take care of this soon and I’ll help you out”, I said.

He squeezed my hand very tight and started with what would end with his last wishes, “I’m not coming home this time.”

“Remember what I told you, I don’t want to live anymore with the pain. If I have another heart attack, I don’t want you to hang on. I need you to be the strong one and let me go. Your mother and your brother wont be able to do it without you. You have to let me go.”

“Dad, I…”

“I don’t want certain people at the funeral and I don’t want a wake, if they couldn’t see me when I was alive, I don’t want them there crying and feeling sorry for themselves when I’m dead, you know who they are.” I did know and I was fully prepared to do what he asked of me, but I wasn’t able to come through on all of it. That’s an explanation for another time.

What I didn’t realize is that he knew he was having a heart attack when we got there. They stabilized him later in the evening and evidently, that was a warning of things to come.

The next day, I got the call from my mother telling me that the hospital called and that we needed to get there asap. We knew what this meant and it wasn’t good.

When we arrived, my father was in the throws of a massive heart attack. He rescinded his “Do not resuscitate” option as not one of us was there for him.

He was in serious pain and I remember him looking at me as they wheeled him out of his room towards the intensive care room.

I’ll never forget the way his eyes pleaded with me to make it stop. I knew what he was telling me, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew.

A few hours later, I finally got up the nerve to do what he asked me to do. I told the hospital officials that it was time to let my father go. I quickly discussed it with my mother and made her understand that it was time. she knew it, but needed some help getting there. I remember going into another room and flipping some switch or something like that and begging the nurse to make sure he was pain free. They basically drugged the shit out of him to the point of it wasn’t really him anymore.

It’s all kind of fuzzy to be truthful. I wish they would have given me something.

It wasfuzzy up until the point that I yelled at my father to get his attention. He opened his eyes and looked at me and I told him it was ok to go and not to worry about us that we’d be fine.

A few hours later my father struggled to get another breath after his last. That was the most torturous thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Let me quickly recommend that if you can help it and you know your loved one is already gone, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT stay and watch them die. I did because I knew my father’s biggest fear was dying alone and I wasn’t going to let that happen. Most of his loved ones were in the room with him. Some who were there did not love him I’ve found out later and I’ll never forgive myself for letting them be there.

Have a plan and stick to it! Trust me, this is the shit nightmares are made of if you don’t stick to the plan.

Which brings me to my recent revelations.

Though we knew my father was sick, I still was unprepared for him leaving.

I’ve been wandering around in my own head and trying to find answers. I will never get the ones that I want and I know that. The inevitable will happen and there’s nothing I can do about it.

My biggest fear is leaving my daughters in this nasty world. I know it has to happen but I’m having a hard time coming to terms with leaving them and knowing that I’ll be gone, forever.

Now here’s the part that some of you may not like (THIS IS YOUR WARNING!).

Not long ago, a good friend of mine was sick with cancer. He fought and he fought hard. He actually beat the cancer but, the treatments took a toll on other body parts that couldn’t be fixed and he died.

My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with stage 3a lung cancer (not sure what all this means as I haven’t had time to research it like I do most things), I know this much, it’s not good.

My friend was one of those type that you either loved or hated, there was no real in between with him.

My mother-in-law is one of those you can’t help but love, she is a sweetheart, has a great big heart and tons of love to offer!

I’m getting to the part that may be bit controversial…

I think in all of this, there is an actual blessing and a gift here. If you look hard enough, you’ll find it.

The ability to have a choice is the gift.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”, I can hear it now. You can’t say I didn’t warn you!

So here it is…

I think having the choice and the ability to take the time to show the ones you love how you really feel is a fantastic gift.

Everyone is going to die. None of us are getting out of this life alive.

A terminal illness that gives people time to set affairs in order, say things to those they love that they’ve always wanted to say and have the choice to spend the time with those they want to is a gift.

People who die suddenly and tragically, in my opinion, bring too much pain and sorrow with the heart wrenching, “coulda, shoulda, woulda!”

I’m not saying that someone dying of a long drawn out illness doesn’t bring pain and sorrow, or lessen the after affects of their passing but, it does take the edge off.

Think about it.

Death can be a growing, learning and fulfilling experience. I know that sounds a little fucked up but if you think about it, you can certainly see where I’m coming from. Or, maybe you can’t and I’m sorry for you.

I try to see things in a positive light if it can be seen that way.

Yes, I agree that some illnesses and deaths that are too early in life are very tragic and the only positive I can see in those are that family and friends are left a little bit better for having known them at all.

Maybe I’m protecting myself from a lot of pain or maybe, just maybe, I see some things few are able to see. In either case, this is my opinion and I own it entirely. If you want to share my views, you are more than welcome to…

To my family and fiends, I love you all more than I can ever express in words.

An Irish proverb for you…

Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those that have stuck by you.

Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.

Cheers and good luck!

XOXO